Recently my wife and I fast-forwarded through the Tony awards to watch the musical numbers that we found entertaining. After we finished, my wife asked me, “If I had told you a few years ago that a hip-hop musical about Alexander Hamilton would dominate Broadway, would you have believed me?”
I said that I would, because Broadway has churned out so many musicals based on crazy ideas that I’ve ceased being surprised by them. In recent years we’ve seen hit musicals based on Mormons preaching sci-fi tropes to starving Africans, a coal miner obsessed with ballet, a Monty Python movie, making a hero out of the murderous dog-killing psychopathic top-five most hated movie villain of all time, an obscure crappy Mel Brooks movie about a bad play about Nazis, lecherous puppets, and a baby monster that grows up to be a big monster and wants to murder his uncle so he can become a dictator.
I claimed that nothing Broadway did would surprise me. If the smash hit musical of 2018 that has a six-month waiting list for $1,000 tickets turns out to be an opera/honky-tonk mash-up about a duck that plays the tuba, I wouldn’t be remotely surprised.
Apparently the universe heard my claim that nothing Broadway could do would surprise me and said, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!” Because they’re making a musical about Monopoly.
I’ll say that again. They’re making a freaking musical about Monopoly. That lame boring board game you got sick of when you were ten. Somehow there will be a musical about it.
I can’t even offer any commentary or joke that is more insightful or snarky than saying that they’re making a musical about Monopoly.
They’re making a musical about Monopoly.
Follow up note: There’s also a Spongebob Squarepants musical.
A god-damned Indiana Jones remake.
On the other hand, at least this couldn’t possibly be as bad as that awful weird alternate reality fan-fic film that explored what would happen if an elderly Indiana Jones fought aliens.
On the third hand, one of my Iron Laws of Filmmaking is that every time you say, “Movies couldn’t possibly get any worse,” you are wrong.
At least this is still in the hypothetical phase, so we still yet may be saved from this abomination.
The new day-job where I have lots of work to do at work is keeping me busy, so blogging has been light. But this is something I have to comment on.
There were two movies announced today that are real versions of jokes I frequently make about terrible ideas for movies:
Tetris: The Movie
For reals, a movie based on Tetris. Because it’s something people have heard of, and therefore executives want to make it into a movie, even though there’s no plot whatsoever. This is literally the example I give for the worst idea for a movie imaginable. (Sometimes I up the joke to “Cap’n Crunch vs. Tetris.”)
But at least Tetris (the game) is somewhat fun, which can’t be said for:
The Accountant: The Movie
A couple notes on this. The Accountant isn’t actually about accounting, which would be absurdly boring. (My day-job is as an accountant.) It’s about an accountant who moonlights as an assassin, which sounds like it could be a reasonable movie. I just think it’s silly that there’s a movie called “The Accountant.”
Regarding Tetris, the press release does note that “No cast, crew, production date, or release date have been determined. No writer has been named.” Movies in that stage are entirely imaginary, and something less than 10% of movies in pre-production actually make it to release. However, actual money has changed hands for the movie rights to Tetris, which is flat-out ridiculous.